Young heart

I had have a crush on my math teacher.

I am taking a break from studying for my CS 136 midterm.

My math teacher always intrigued me. He entered my high school as a teacher the same year I became a freshman. Although I did not talk to him until my senior year, I was always intrigued by him. He was good looking, and his background was very interesting. I was naturally drawn to him.

I still remember nodding to him shyly as we crossed each other in his hall way. My heart would skip a beat whenever he nods back. Maybe it was the big cart he was pushing around, but at an early stage, I could tell that he was geeky. My curiosity was peeked.

As I entered my senior year, my time was suddenly dominated by his classes. I spent every school day with him. My interest in math allowed my to get closer to him than the average students. And in a way, he gave me the final push to pursue mathematics in university.

Indeed, he was a big geek. Our interest matched too, and I believe that is when I developed my crush. He was on very friendly terms with many of the guys in my grade. And I would sometimes join them to hang out in his classroom during lunch.

I’m still confused about my feelings. This is definitely not love. I am not sure if it’s admiration, respect, or something else. But even after leaving high school for two years, I am still naturally drawn to him. My heart skips beats whenever I visit him. So I must feel something towards him.

The reason I am making this post is that he will be leaving my school after this year. I will have no reasons to go visit any more, and therefore will likely never see him again. I believe Wednesday is my last chance, but between midterms and work, there is no way I can make it back  to Toronto.

I still remember when a few of the guys and I were investigating his marital status. We claimed it was out of boredom. I’m not sure about the guys, but I obviously had other reasons to investigate. My heart sank a bit when we discovered that he was, indeed, married.

Not that I ever had high hopes with him. I think in some aspects, I still view him with the same curiosity that I had in grade nine. But even with graduation, I did not seem to forget this curiosity. I want to know more about him.

Hopefully, with his change of job, I can put my feelings to rest and finally move on. It does hurt, but I am sure I can do it.

Surely, I will be alright.


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