I am paranoid about my fingers. Through two horrifying incidents in my life, i have developed an obsession of constantly thinking that my fingers are in danger. This constant reminder keeps me up at night and causes me to retract my hands in the middle of an action. I have developed an obsessive-compulsive personality toward my fingers.
The first finger to go was my right pinkie. I can still replay that whole evening in my mind. The son of my neightbours jumped into my driveway and charged at my friend. The basketball we were passing around was shoved out of her hand with all her strength as she was surprised by the assailant. I watched as the ball got closer. It was headed for the street. I didn’t want that. I jumped at the ball on an angle. It made contact with my right hand. It pushed into the space between my pinkie and the rest of my hand.
I dropped the ball and it rolled onto the street. I sat on the driveway pavement and started to cry. I found out later that the three segments of my pinkie were all bent out of shape, making it stick outwards and then inwards. But at that moment, all I knew was that I was in pain. My friend rushed over to me as I cupped my right hand in my left, my pinkie swelled to twice its normal size.
Cupping my right hand in my left became a second nature after that incident. I was left with a finger that stuck outwards and I always feel as if it is going to get cut off because it was covering extra space. By holding my right hand in my left, i thought I could somehow squeeze it really hard o that the pinkie would go back to its normal shape. I still do this today, even after realizing that this was wishful thinking.
But I haven’t experienced the worst of it. My obsessive behaviour really came in place after I almost took off the tip of my left ring finger. I closed a car door on my finger while I was in a rush. This incident has left me with a finger that is always numb. I can only feel sharp pains because I can’t feel that I’m touching something until it is causing me pain. My left hand, the one that holds my right hand when I feel insecure, is also damaged.
This little bit of fear always lives in my head. It constantly comes out and distract me from what I’m doing. I would sometimes forget that I am writing a test and just sit for minutes cupping my hands together. I have spent a lot of time trying to hold my ring finger in the rest of my left hand while trying to fall asleep. While most people (including myself) might think this is ridiculous, it is something that I cannot stop. This fear has been planted deeply in my head after those two disturbing incidents.
